How to avoid a catfisher

As I started to tiptoe through dating sites, I realized that yes, there are a bunch of unsavory people out there who are preying on lonely, unsuspecting women. One of my favorite topics on Dr. Phil was the occasional catfishing episodes where lonely, middle-aged women fell for unscrupulous catfishers whose only goal was to take their money while making them feel cherished.

Let’s talk about what a catfisher is: Catfishing means someone is using a fake identity to trick you into believing you’re in a real online friendship or romance with them. Once you trust the catfish, they may embarrass, humiliate or upset you and more important, take your money with a sob story about them being stuck in a foreign country, lost their passport, got run over by a bus and languishing in a hospital…etc. And as they continue to talk to you their English skills get increasingly worse. Apparently the Nigerian catfishers actually have a manual to teach their mentees how to exploit these lonely women.

What I found while exploring the dating sites was that catfishers were trying to target me.  Why? I fit the criteria: I am middle-aged. I was recently divorced with no children (so of course I must be lonely and needy, right?). I am not thin or gorgeous. Pictures of me on a horse or a boat or on a European vacation indicate I must be wealthy and therefore ready to give my money away. So I must be a perfect target for a catfisher.

Fortunately I am not needy or lonely and I have watched those catfishing episodes. Let me share some of the online stories where I reeled in the catfishers. 

GIORGIO

Giorgio was “a financial manager from Santa Monica.” We started chatting via Match and shortly afterward he asked for my cell so we could talk offline. NOTE: This is a catfisher technique to get you away from the dating platform. Don’t do it unless you are sure he’s real. Shortly afterward he started the catfish trick of using endearments. ”How are you, Pretty?” ”Good morning, beautiful.” And then he mentioned he was waiting for the photo I was supposed to send him. ?? Guess he got me mixed up with another “gullible” woman. He then started asking about what kind of car I drive. I finally asked him why he was calling me such affectionate names when we barely knew each other. He then went quiet. 

A few days later I asked that since it IS a dating site, when was he going to ask me out for coffee? He stumbled and fumbled and said, “Oh I thought I had offended you and I didn’t know how to ask you out.” Please don’t tell me men forgot how to be men. Just say, “Kathy, I”d like to meet you for coffee. When is a good time?” 

He said, “Thanks for making it easy! How about dinner?” I said, sure and suggested a few days that would work. And then….he disappeared. The days I suggested came and went and nothing.  I finally called him on it and he said he had to rush off to an emergency business trip to Dubai and couldn’t contact me because of phone and internet issues. Hmmm…last time I checked, LAX still had decent cell and WiFi coverage and he could have texted me while waiting for his international flight. More likely he was huddled in his Nigerian basement and needed to get away from me. I blocked him.

WEISH

Weish also was a player. He almost immediately starting talking about my captivating smile. NOTE: That is another sign. Almost all of the catfishers mentioned my captivating smile. It’s just a smile. He also started calling me beautiful and pretty and hun from day one. What I really loved is that, since he knew I liked to sail, he started throwing out comments about his expensive fancy sailboat “with advanced features.” So I googled the boat. Not a sailboat. It’s a speedboat. When I asked him where the mast was he backpedaled and said it’s a special boat with a removable mast. And then his English got bad. The final laugh was when he said he would root for whatever Super Bowl team I am cheering on, and he hopes he can watch a Super Bowl soon. Hello, it’s every February. In the meantime, eHarmony banned him. So did I.

DONALD

Donald was another eHarmony “match” who was banned from the site, and when I questioned him about it, he ranted about a women who apparently upset him and then he let her have it with abusive posts. Okay, buddy. You are angry. Back off. Block her. But don’t put yourself in a position where you are banned from the dating site. I blocked him.

Then there was the guy who “lived in Los Angeles” and said every week he goes hiking and flyfishing. When I asked him where he goes, he mentioned a fly fishing spot in Louisville KY and a hiking trail in Rhode Island. I told him he must have seriously good frequent flyer miles to travel across country every week to fish and hike. I blocked him.

And of course there is the man whose perfect first date is “beach walks at sunset.” Besides being a tired cliche, he lives in Cheyenne, WY. Last I checked, Cheyenne is pretty much land locked with not too many beaches to wander along with your main squeeze, hand in hand, gazing at the setting sun. When I asked him about it, he backpedaled and said that is for when he’s on vacation. I blocked him.

The catfishers really need to get a better sense of US geography and get a better grasp of English. It has been enlightening and rather funny. 

I hope other women on dating sites value themselves enough to not be catfished. 

Don’t jump off the dating platform too soon.

Don’t give out your personal information too soon.

Don’t be needy.

Do a background check.

Have a “wingman” to check in with you if you are on a date with a new person.

If they say they are from the states but can’t spell or write basic English, be suspicious.

If they start asking for money for surgery, passports, inheritance advances, etc., run. Run fast and run in the opposite direction. If they promise they have money and will pay you back, don’t believe them.