Week One Post Discovery

January 16, 2021

It’s sobering to consider that your life can change drastically in a split second, and suddenly you are faced with a huge change to a life that was formerly safe, comfortable and seemingly happy.  A car accident, stroke, job layoff, loss of a loved one – these are just some of those unexpected events that leave you stunned, emotional, numb and fearful of what to do next.

Discovering that my husband had physically and emotionally checked out of our marriage a long time ago was one such example, when my typical day devolved into shock, anger and tears. 

During the subsequent journey of discovering the various reasons why we were suddenly at a crisis in our marriage, I learned a lot about how we both contributed to the breakdown.  It was an eye-opener for me, and I acknowledge that I was also part of the problem.   In future posts I will share insights and discoveries, while trying to figure out what the future would hold. Could we save our 25-year marriage?  Do we want to?   How will my life change and will I be okay?

That first day was awful.  I think it was the only time I had ever yelled at Peter.  I am sure I used a few expletives as well.  It was a sleepless night – Peter hunkered down on the couch, and I sobbed behind a closed bedroom door.  

The next night we were supposed to go to our friends’ home for dinner and game night.   We always looked forward to the evening – lots of laughter and great discussions…and the food is always delicious.  What to do?  Cancel?  Go anyway?   I decided that I needed to be with friends and try to recreate some fun even though I wasn’t in the mood.  I called Peter (who had left quite early for his office) and told him of my intention and why.  He asked, “Do you want me to go?”  “It’s your choice.”   He decided to go as well and picked me up for the short ride to our friends’ home.

Overall, the evening was pleasant, and it was comforting to be with positive people, who did not know what was going on with us.  Although later my hostess commented that the tension between Peter and me was palpable and she knew something was wrong.   

On the drive home, I turned to Peter and said, “I will miss nights like this if we are done.”  He was quiet and then replied, “I will too.”   We agreed to start marriage counseling that week.