Does it work to be friends with an ex?

(This is going to showcase my vulnerability.)

When I decided to start my blog, it was initially going to be a place for me to rant and rave and share about my heartache as my marriage crumbled.  I thought perhaps other women could get value from my posts and maybe my little random nuggets of insights could help others.  I went through a lot of soul searching and struggles and figured I was not alone in my journey.

Fortunately, the transition from “married for 25 years” to “divorced and trying not to be a cliché” has been overall smooth and my blog posts branched out to other adventures like travel and dogs and other sundry events…but yes, I do find days when I miss being part of a couple.  I loved being part of a couple.  I loved my guy and still occasionally shake my head in puzzlement that he walked away from us, and I was left in the dust while he started dating his client, a personal trainer who was 25 years younger than us.  Seriously?  Who does that?   I guess some middle-aged guys do that.  And I became the cliché of a middle-aged woman who supported her guy for 25 years as he built his business and then decided to move on to a cute young honey.

Now, I am not blameless in the crumbling of our marriage.  I get that I could have worked harder.  And when we decided to do counseling I worked very hard to salvage US.  I loved US and really wished WE could have thrived.  But we didn’t.

So…moving forward…

I remain a friend to him.  I remember when I first met his parents.  They had been divorced since he was 13 and I was fascinated that a divorced couple could be friends.  I came from a family where couples married and stayed married.  Divorce was a foreign concept.   I have to admit that it was easy to plan a wedding and other family events, knowing that everyone could be in the same room without a fight. 

But now…

I am happy that I have let go of the hate.  The first two years after we split, I was rolling around in hate.  How dare he do this to me?  I am awesome and should have been treated better.  Once I shook off the hate and took responsibility for my part of the relationship, I was open to a possible friendship.

Here’s the challenge.  I don’t know if I want a friendship.  We have met up a few times in recent months – a movie, lunch, shooting range.  I invited him for Christmas dinner this week.   And, as we chatted over dinner and caught up on all the news (one of the things I miss most is that we agree on politics and current events, and I really miss the engaging dialog) I studied him and thought…what am I doing?  I look at him and think that the 25 years of marriage are gone.  It’s dust.  No legacy.  This is scary – my past 25 years are gone!  I don’t relate to him any more.   He is a complete stranger to me now.  If I were going out on a first date with him, would I like him?   It’s weird.  He’s a confirmed introvert but now he is doing all of the adventures I would have liked to share with him, like travel and dance classes.   It’s perplexing seeing him embracing all of the activities I had tried to get him to enjoy during our marriage.

I know that I would never want to be in a relationship with him again.   I value myself too much to let someone back into my life who treated me with distain and betrayed me.  And I am sure he is not interested in me anymore.  But can we be friends?  I don’t know.  In the meantime, I might pop back on dating sites.  We’ll see.